dog resumé

enid and the man are worried that if they don't manage to buy a house this week, they will be homeless when they get to san francisco. it's not easy to rent a place when you're a pet owner, because your landlord can be sued if your dog bites someone - clearly a risk enid and the man take seriously. they discovered on the interweb that it's best to prepare a pet resumé (cv) to try to persuade your future landlord that your big black dog loves small children, and not just to eat.

enid's not so keen on fibbing. here's the resumé above adapted for stalin:

DOG RESUME: STALIN

Description: Stalin is a genocidal, large dog who will not hesitate to use his teeth on guests. He is a 5 year old 40 kg Black Russian terrier who is immature, excitable and highly-strung. We have had Stalin for five years, and he is a cherished member of our family, but we've still not managed to train him out of biting guests and menacing The Man's mother. If you have any questions about our dog, please ask her dog sitter, Tanya at this number - 44 777 6666. Ask for ward 3 - facial injuries reconstruction unit.

Health/Grooming: Stalin is neutered, which hasn't benefited his behaviour one jot. He regularly picks up fleas, which we tend to notice when he gets babiosis and starts throwing up on our landlord's carpets. We brush Stalin on the 32nd of each month and have him professionally groomed biannually if we can find someone brave enough. Stalin is kept up-to-date on all vaccinations by top quality Molvanian vets.

Activities:We walk Stalin three times a day, and go to one of Kiev’s many off-leash areas for more vigorous exercise at least twice a week. Stalin's behaviour on and off-leash is poor. On-leash, he tugs like a traction engine to get within tooth-range of small dogs. Off-leash he menaces small children with food, chases smaller dogs, larger dogs, horses and sometimes cars. He loves the beach, and friends often beg us to leave him at home. These activities satisfy Stalin's exercise requirements, and he is calm and content relaxing indoors while we are away at work. (Sadly, this is not true of our other dog, Fluffy, who is great with people, but thinks wearing her paws to the bone scratching a hole in the door is preferable to being shut in alone.)

About us:As dog owners, we always try to act responsibly. We have taken three classes on dog behaviour, had a vet psychologist to visit us, and hired an ex-Ukrainian army dog teacher to beat Stalin into submission, err, we mean train him. We always clean up after our dog, and we arrange for reliable pet care if we are going away. We are so sure that Stalin will be a "good tenant," we are willing to put up an additional security deposit of $1,000,000. We are committed to responsible, caring pet ownership - if only our pets were committed to responsible people ownership in return.

References: Our current landlord has just died. Other letters of recommendation were lost in transit when we moved to Ukraine. Sorry.

We would be happy to have a potential landlord meet Stalin, so long as he stood behind glass and took out personal medical insurance.