the diner game

players:
one or more, aged six to sixty.

equipment needed:
one american diner, one american wait person

how to play:
the game begins when the waitress says," hi, i'm candice and i'll be your server today. what can i get you guys?" the oldest female takes her turn first. she must order her meal so comprehensively that candice doesn't ask any supplemental questions. each supplemental question that is asked scores against her.

example:
she orders "a milkshake." this is very poor strategy. candice is likely to ask, "what flavor? extra large or monumental? full-fat or semi-skimmed? ice?" - costing the player a massive four out of order points (oops).

here's an example from a more experienced player: "i'll take a monumental strawberry milkshake with full-fat milk, a scoop of chocolate ice-cream, a little ice, and oreos* crumbled on top."

now let enid set the scene. she and the man are sitting in a typical 50s diner in san francisco - formica tables, car number plates on the walls, elvis on the jukebox (not quite literally). candice approaches.

candice: " hi, i'm candice and i'll be your server today. what can i get you guys?"

enid: "i'll have a house green salad, with caesar dressing, parmesan and sourdough bread, please."

candice: "do you want that dressing on the side?"

enid: shit. i mean, yes, thanks.

the man: "one oops for you there, enid. candice, i'll take a double greedy bastard cheese burger with crispy bacon please. wholemeal buns, lightly toasted. swiss cheese, bacon very, very crispy, and burgers medium rare. go easy on the lettuce, plenty of gherkins. i see you supply ketchup and mustard - i shall not be requesting any additional sauces."

enid (hushed tones): respect.

candice: "thank y-"

the man: "yes!"

candice: "-ou sir. and how would you like to pay - cash or credit card?"

the man: "bugger!"

enid: "oops!"

candice: ""

*enid has no idea what oreos are. they may be small blackbirds, in which case crumbling them on milkshake seems a little cruel.