Thursday, March 1

catching up on mail

to: egg online banking
from: enid
re: regarding your current account access

dear egg, you couldn't verify enid's current information, because she doesn't bank with you, but with the admirable hbsc. you can limit her online access all you like, and she'll not even notice. (by the way, what is the world's "largest pure online bank?" do you mean there's no smutty stuff in the double-entry book keeping?)


to: jaemie krawczyk
from: enid
re: some swing picks?

hi jaemie,
you're fibbing again, aren't you? you don't have anything fresh for enid today, do you? in fact, it's safe to say that most days you make her the same offer, many, many times over. oh, and enid doesn't "very well know that the market can be forecasted and controlled". she must have misunderstood something in her economics lessons at school.



to: tgjiyoio@barak-online.net
from enid:
re: hey dude some gd news 4 u

hey dude, enid has 2 bits of gd news 4 u. first is, this isn't a mobile phone, so you can write complete sentences. second is that she's never embarrassed in the bedroom and she has all the natural hardness and boosted drive she wants - but thanks very much for offering to help.


to: munguia roberto
from: enid
re: live life to the fullest

thanks, munguia, but enid prefers to buy her pharmaceuticals from someone she can hand cash to, even if you do offer the "be$t prices". (usually boots the chemist, if you're reading this, mum.) thanks for your good wishes, though, and enid hopes you're keeping well yourself.


to: geraldo
from: enid
re: do you wnat a {}*prosperus future?

geraldo, enid's quite hurt that you didn't remember that she has a degree already, and has no need to "Fetch a_Bachelors, Masetrs., MBA, and Doctorate (PhD) diploma" even if "Hoenstly are no set tests, classes, books, or interviews!"


to: pete smith
from: enid
re: the four emails you sent enid today

pete, for starters, enid doesn't think you've got the name thing down yet. it's more usual to pick a latino name, or simply jam some consonants into unusual proximity, as mr. krawczyk did. if you're stuck for inspiration, just sit on the keyboard.

secondly, it's usual to pick an email title that is of passing relevance to the message within that email. for example, if enid's emailing you about a lunch date (unlikely, pete, don't get your hopes up), then she'd probably title her mail, "lunch date." not rocket science, is it?

now, pete, the text in your email reads:

"Do you ejaculate before the act or within a few minutes?
Then you must order Extra-Time Now!...
Extra-Time is the only male sexual performance formula that, not only stops premature ejaculation, but actually "cures" it.
You'll last 5 to 10 minutes longer, the very first night..... GUARANTEED!"

call enid a fussy old grump-muffin, but your subject, "I desert a quagmire," doesn't seem to be at all related to premature ejaculation. your other three emails on the same subject today, variously titled "but cat as byronic," "to vacuum or ready," and "was threadbare go cutworm" aren't really an improvement.

have a great weekend!
love, enid

8 comments:

Beccy said...

Very witty Enid.

I tried replying to some of those banking emails once, I thought I'd bombard them like they bombard me. Only problem was that you can't reply so I got twice as many emails back informing me that my email hadn't been sent plus a copy of the email.

I had a lot of deleting to do that day!

Little Miss Moi said...

Dear enid. Wow, you're so popular, so many friends!

Wendz said...

Enid has the same friends as Wendz. I wish they'd get tjhe message that I don't want to be friends. Pah!

YOu know what gets me with all this spam, is how some of it doesn't actually get bounced straight off the server because of the subjects....I had 3 last week with revolting explicit things like... "Watch teens s*ck pu$$y" and "Young girls s*ck hard c0*k! ...I mean come on! These things are being encouraged by someone and allowed into inboxes.

I got very angry about that.

Wendz said...

Your template looks nice. Cool bananas.

ChrisB said...

Enid has such a clever way with words.

I think I am quite lucky as I get very little spam. My gmail account just sorts it and my main email address never seems to get this type of stuff, thank goodness.

enid said...

oh, beccy, enid sympathises. by the way, you should never follow links from these emails or even reply, because sometimes they're just trying to find valid email addresses - and if you reply you let them know you're out there! (sorry, lecture mode off.)

little miss moi, enid can introduce you if you'd like?

wendz, enid has every sympathy. even if her mail client is pretty good at hiding this crap from her, she resents even downloading it in the first place. cool bananas? enid's confused.

thanks chris! enid has had her email address for about 15 years now, and it just gets more and more spam as time goes by. perhaps she should finally change it - but she feels it might be a link to so many people. and she should stop browsing p0rn sites. (just a joke, mum.)

Sally Lomax said...

Brilliant blog. And AREN'T they SO ANNOYING!!!!

See caps again.............

enid said...

they are, sally, they are. hundreds a day. sigh.