Monday, March 5

bulwer lytton

enid's mission this fine and funny monday was to plumb the true depths of her lack of creative talent and invent a terrible opening sentence to a novel. what's so different to her usual postings, you're wondering. well, the difference is that this time it's a kind of competition, inspired by the humungously bad opening line of edward george bulwer-lytton's novel, paul clifford:

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."

here are enid's own rather poor attempts to do worse:

Smoking a last cigarette, the train swept thunderously past me into the station and, tossing my mane of red-gold curls so that the sun glinted on them enticingly, I wondered if Dante Birk-Polsworthy, the love of my life, whom I'd met only three months before outside the ladie's toilets in “The Frog and Bottle” in Islington, when he pushed past me mistakenly thinking it was the gents', would at last disembark and swallow me up into his manly embrace, like soft, white, doughy bread around the sausage in a hotdog?

“I've killed two birds with one stone!!!” he ejaculated with pride, but she knew he was talking arrant nonsense, because it couldn't possibly be possible to inject enough momentum into a stone to enable it to pass through the first bird and into the second, even if the first bird was a bird of diminutive size, such as a wren or a sparrow.


go over to min at mamadrama and have a hoot browsing the other entries.

22 comments:

ChrisB said...

enid LOL as usual very witty opening lines, you're in there with the best of them oops did I mean worst.

Beccy said...

So very good Enid, love the hot dog analogy. Now why does it feel like I've used that sentence before? Oh, because I have.

Jenny said...

"he ejaculated with pride"

Yes. You win. Worst phrasing ever.

Sally Lomax said...

Hilarious!!

i really think you ought to embellish this. I think there is scope for a novel here, or at least a spoof drama. It could be dramatised by Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders...............

nikki said...

ha! you made me snort! i hope my coworkers didn't hear......

min said...

Enid has a dirty little mind...and I love it! Could you have fit in just a little more sexual inuendo? I'm exhausted. Listen to Sally Lomax, she's right!

Lisa said...

I thought it was just me with the sex on the mind!

Robin said...

I dunno, I think they always ejaculate with pride....

That being said, these were terribly fantastic...you've done Mindy proud!

Margaret said...

Are you a member of the testicle sorority too? "ejaculated with pride"???

Karmyn said...

Very witty Enid!!!

Amy W said...

Yes, I too was stuck on the ejaculating part...

Bethany said...

I always thought the two birds with one stone was silly, but you have worded it so well!

enid said...

thanks chris, but enid thinks you're a wimp for chickening out!

beccy, has enid pinched some hot dog based analogy? sorry if so!

hi jenny, and thanks!

sally, do you really think so? enid thinks the sooner all this is behind her the better.

hi nikki, enid hopes you weren't drinking tea at the time. snorting tea can be very dangerous for your keyboard.

min, enid really didn't intend any sexual innuendo. she realises now that of course she's a bit of a nit not to spot itthe potential of hot dogs and rolls, but honestly, she didn't.

lisa, it was. well, you and min.

robin, enid thinks they do.

margaret and amy, enid would like to point at the second dictionary definition of "to ejaculate" and point out that they have dirtier minds than she does. she, of course, did not mean anything to do with meaning number 1. tsk tsk.

ejaculate verb |iˈjakyəˌlāt| 2 [with direct speech ] say something quickly and suddenly : “Indeed?” ejaculated the stranger.

hi karmyn, and thanks!

Pamela said...

Okay you cheated... You had two awful sentences.

But I would have proud to say I'd written them.

The part about the train smoking the cigarette. That needed a picture..
(:

Sabrina said...

Impressive. But now I'm hungry for hot dogs. . .

Stephanie said...

Dayum!!

I thought it was beautiful, and Nora Roberts should step aside.

And I think ejaculation should always be "with pride."

Jus' sayin'.

Purpleworms said...

I adore the second sentence! It is good - I think you have a writing career ahead of you. And what is wrong with all those people ejaculating over your word choice! Thank goodness you didn't say anything about social intercourse! (...and what would they think about copulas!?)

ktjrdn said...

Add me to the minds in the gutter

Beccy said...

Enid your sentence was unique to you, (well it has to be), I just found myself telling people I loved their bad/good analogies!

Liza said...

I can't believe all these people talking about ejaculating and ignoring the fact that you gave this guy the world's most pompus name: Dante Birk-Polsworthy

Jenn said...

oh.my.god. those are killer. soft, white, doughy, bread? and he ejaculated with pride??

my husband now thinks I'm nuts for laughing so much at my computer. I must go pee now... :P

enid said...

thanks for all your nice comments. enid had a very fun monday reading everyone else's bulwer-lyttons. we should enter the competition for real.